ratsydenim's Xanga

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 10:31:42 GMT

My memories shot. Shot like a wound, bound, sound, hound. Like a hound…howling in the night. So my sight, might make a fright—then I’ll cause some light…on all the things I’ll fight. Once again i’ll run back to my ruins, the little home I’ve placed my belongings in. Come full circle once again until I can’t cry any longer. I’m homeless in a pail—specifically a lunch pail. Let me loose damnit, I’m crying for christ’s sake. Sake, sake, like the Japanese drink. They say to relax so I take a shot, but then I’m shot, shot again.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 18:36:27 GMT

my thoughts are beyond me for now. but hopefully i can catch up to all that i dream of::: and what i dream of is that i'd be more than what i see around me, which isn't too much to ask of myself.

for now--i'll rest my superficial ambitions to take ones that will hopefully better my whole existence. What are these new ambitions? "i know not how to tell thee who I am, my name dear saint is hateful to myself, because it is an enemy to thee"...memorize more literature? lol...jk---i cant believe i remember that...

anyways, resolution #1:
1.i'd like to wake up early every day. thus, be more PRESENT in my own life---i dont think donald trump got to where he is by sleeping in every day.

resolution #2:
2. Don't chase after excitement. I always find myself in some type of dilemma because of decisions i made or things I did out of or for excitement. In the end, its all fleeting...right?

resolution #3:
3. Go to 24 at least 3 times a week. lol...although i've grown to hate the whole gym environment. (there's just SOMETHING about guys who work out only at the gym and don't play any sports---and i mean something not good).

life, you've proven to fumble me once again...but like i say all the time, without all these hardships, I don't know where I'd grow any personality.

So thank you, broken relationships, stressful jobs, and bad hangovers...ok, not bad hangovers...but thank you struggles...i wouldnt be me without all your drama.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 20:26:48 GMT

There's something so delightful , so exciting, and so terribly scary about self-discovery.

I find that the very moment my passions reach some sort of pinnacle, my life has this way of humbling me:

_______
______
____
___
__
_
.

in this sort of downward spirial that is crippling.

But it's only from this viewpoint that I realize there are so many routes I can take back up. This joint can't tie me down anymore---

and im out, quicker than a light.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 08:36:59 GMT

there are triangles that grow within this fantasy world. two times the eligable stances that grow deep within the veins. they wsurround like a mocked bird, and i am free-not in the existance of what i thought. but i am above now. floating within this mid air. catch the time as it flies between the willow trees. ah, there now they grow, whispering of old age and surrounding the permiter with deep, shallow tape. red, its the color of your hair. and i'll stick with it-like the butter in your gum. there are trains now that i've got to catch. silly putty and cloth detergent. but i doubt they say it like that. the fast run even slower and catch the flames of indecency. but theyre only indecent because they decided to flock to mexico. but then theyre not a flock.

i wrote this with my eyes closed.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 04:57:59 GMT

What do i get peeved by?

People who look down on others or gossip for no good reason (sometimes there are good reasons).

anyways...scene change:

nataliedee.com

scene change 2:

nataliedee.com

nataliedee.com

nataliedee.com

nataliedee.com

i love natalie dee. i am obsessed...no one but beth seems to share this humor though. ne ways...happy turkey-family-love day!

Friday, September 28, 2007

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 18:54:45 GMT

the sad, cant make u glad, aiint a fad, always bad.

VEGOOSE oct 27. be there or be squarrre.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 15:58:06 GMT

think, write, love, believe, try, hate, make up, move on, be lost, realize, crash, find, care, want, lose,...

Now theres an extra emotion that lingers because of You YOu and YOU.
All those unnecessary beliefs and confusing troubles gave light to the cracks that were always there.
and I dont know if I wanted to be ignorant of it all or simply come to peace with them now.

>>So I hear of another possible cold war---damn russia and china. and for those US haters (damn america)

So, love---its the last thing this worlds got to offer right?
But what is love, when it's so easily cheated, broken, trampled, and untrustworthy.

haha, i'll get over it...over it in a quick minute. just wait...

until then, be true to your friends, love your family, and seek truth. rev mindy. muhaha jkjk watched a little too much RUN's HOUSE. muhaha my favorite part was the booger museum. lmaoo...

peaccce!

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 16:51:35 GMT

beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 07:48:14 GMT

so it seems like the one thing in life i need to believe, i have the hardest time believing.

>> then its like a rock. no. not like a rock. like a hunger. sometimes a pain. sometimes a nauseating feeling.

the feeling of no nicotine.

all i can listen to over and over again is "cold water" by damien rice.

because its those simple words...that are the only words that describe everything as of now.

mmm. and the strange humming in the background that comes in near the middle of the song:

"oh, dont you know I love you and I always have, Hallelujah---will you come with Me"

i just watched an odd korean movie---really twisted. i dont know if i would suggest watching it..."Time"
there i just suggested it. haha

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 05:45:01 GMT

its been a while xanga. i dont even know if people still use this thing. anyways...decided to write here---becuase im in korea, somewhat bored because I'm currently @ my grandparents home, and am in much contemplation without my sketch book to write in.

I dont really know what to do online...theres not much else to do other than check mail...and check comments or leave comments on myspace or facebook...

anyways. i dont think i have any interesting thoughts for the moment, but i'll sum up the day...because its good to write, right?

well flew into ICN this morning, felt somewhat strange because my parents were supposed to come with me. They cancelled their flights 5 hours before we were supposed to fly off. GREAT. I was all happy to go with my parents because I always end up going to Korea alone. But once again...its Mindy. the lone ranger.

I was bummed cuz my parents ended up staying in california...so I wasnt even excited for any cute airport guys. I flew Korean Air for the first time, which now i regret. Asianas in my blood. muhaha...ne ways

Got here, and don't feel so excited. Only excited to see Sue. I guess I'm not excted because I'm here for no reason. I was supposed to come because my parents wanted to...but now that theyre not here...i have no purpose.

I think I'm in a weird place in my life.

really weird.

Maybe it's a good thing I'm here. Because it makes me realize how strange things are...in this world, in my life. ionno. I feel weird, strange...to be Korean American. Dont really fit in Korea, or America. But I guess, what other type of person could as easily appreciate two cultures (or foods for that matter)...only one who has both cultures. Maybe its a blessing...or a curse.

speaking of blessings, God feels quite distant. It's been a while...but I have to admit that my heart is really quite hard. If I'm allowed to say that without sounding trite. If i could describe it, I would describe it with what I saw this morning @ my grandmas house. My uncle took blood out of her back with those strange glass cup things that accupuncture people use. He wiped the area of her skin, poked it with this pen looking thing, then placed the glass cup over the punctured skin then suctioned it. Her skin popped up like a balloon....then blood flowed out. But the strangest part of it all was that her blood was jellowy. My uncle wiped it, showed it to me and said, "see, thats bad blood."

who knew there was such a thing. bad blood. bad, jellowy blood.

well. everything seems to be really confusing, and jumbled at the moment. it doesnt make things better when five year boys hold hands in korea and I have to tell myself theyre not gay.

my allergies are killing me. and it doesnt help that im smoking again.

sigh. ne ways...back to God. best way to describe everything?

bebo norman puts it best:

"Take these hands, lift them up, cuz i've not the strength to praise You near enough."

I've not the strength...sick of trying, sick of runnign away, sick of sitting still tooo though. What else left is there to do? It's not for other people that I want to live. If theres anything worth living for, it's a God that weighs the heart and not the outside.

it's difficult to say that when im in korea. the land of plastic beauty queens that all look the same 0.0. hopefully i wont go back home 10 pounds lighter, 10 shades lighter, and 1,000,000 braincells lighter.